The Last Few Months.

Sorry for the long wait. I have recently started a slew of projects ranging in name from "Project Mock up" to "Project Amazing Mirror," which were not only a few attempts at making basic games such as platformers, but also just things along the lines of "Teach me how to do basic 3D modeling." These projects ranged in success, I did make a few basic games (none of which I think are worth showing my family, let alone the public), however, in my attempts to teach myself things like 3D modeling, sound design, sprite design, and a slew of other non-programming related requirements for game design I realized that I am drastically under prepared for the task I have put myself up to. As an aspiring game developer I told myself that I wanted to create 100% of everything for my first professional title. I want to do the art, the programming, the bitmapping, the sound design, the animation, the character modeling. I don't know hardly any of that. I know how to do coding to some degree, but I'm hardly an expert. The rest I haven't even the slightest idea of how I'm going to accomplish. There is so much in my way for what I want to be. The longer I try to teach myself these things, the more of the plate in front of me I can see. I put this idea of grandeur in my head that if I threw myself at these problems enough times I would just figure it out. That's how my life has worked thus far, keep a level head, be confident, and keep throwing your time at whatever problem is in front of you, eventually you'll solve it. That isn't working anymore. On the other side of things I have never wanted to complete a task more, so I can't say I've lost motivation. Just need to find the right way to go, because right now I'm following my own footsteps and I'm tired of walking in circles. Maybe I just need to rethink.

Career Plan

Over my years, even though I haven't had many, what I have deemed as my "career" has changed pretty drastically. First I wanted to be a pilot, then I wanted to be Barney Stinson, and then more recently it's been game design. I have always kind of wanted to work on games, and more specifically, get to make one that becomes apart of my favorite series; the Legend of Zelda. I don't know what happened but the more I got into the gaming community, and the more the YouTube community grows the more I find myself imagining all of the cool worlds I have imagined, explored, or saw, and how I could make them my own, or exist in the first place. Subconsciously, I believe the craving to create and control a world of my own that is outside of the laws of our world has always been apart of me, only now that I have put so much time into games have I realized how much that inspires me. I have a few ideas, for games that is. There aren't many of them, but they are huge. If I ever get to bring them to life in the way I want, the one I intend to make first would completely change how games are made. I intend to make the "World Seed", to put it simply. For those who don't know what that is, hopefully I get to show you one day. That's what I want right now, as far as "Career Plan" goes anyway. Personally I don't really think a career plan is important. If you like what you do than it's not really a job, right? So, just do what makes you happy, in whatever way you can think of that will make you proud of your work and get your needs taken care of, whatever they may be. I really hope I can show you someday, that's what I want to leave behind for the world.

The Longest Year.

2014, the year I become what "America, the Brave" deems adulthood. I can hardly say that my 18th birthday will be one that changes a lot. Even so, I find myself waiting in anticipation for the ability to buy things I don't care about, and join a club that I won't join. More so, I find myself thinking of which friends I'm going to see walk away from where I currently call home, and which ones I'm going to still be calling my friends by the end of 2015. Every day seems a little bit longer than the day before, but when I find myself trying to reminisce about the past the time seems to have flied by. The funny thing is I heard someone I have lost say these exact same thing when he was my age. What's great is with everything that's happening, so far this year has been my best. I don't think I have ever been as happy as I am right now, and it doesn't look like something bad is coming up to change that. By this point I have already jinxed that, though, so I'm probably going to have to write about how horrible everything has gone since the last post I made pretty soon. Honestly, only one thing comes to mind when I try to think of something that could make me happier than I am now. I guess I'm going to have to wait until I'm 18 to get that, though. She's worth the wait though.

Reminiscence

In my last year of adolescence, I find myself craving independence, even when all those that left it before me tell me to "cherish it while it lasts." For a while I took this to heart. I had the "YOLO" state-of-mind. I was care-free. To most, I still am (care-free, that is). However, the more I look at myself the more I realize I haven't had adolescence in a long time. I've lived lifetimes, I have struggled through things only those with vastly amounts of years on me have experienced, and I have broken like Humpty-Dumpty. Which was a surprisingly true bed-time story. Everyone around me tried to fix it, tried to make it better, tried to help. In the end, though, only I could do anything about it. I had put on this immense weight to help those around me, those that needed me. In my eyes, I held up the world, like Atlas, who holds the sky. Though I don't hold any physical scars from this I feel the missing pieces, like a puzzle from goodwill. I can tell I am missing something from the child who fell apart, but pretended he was OK for those he loved. The question I have been asking myself is: do I want those pieces back? I don't feel weaker, or lost. I feel empathetic. Something I'm not sure I felt before. I knew what pain was, but I hadn't experienced it. Now, even though I act similar, perhaps even the same, I think different. I analyze, sympathize. Before I just blindly tried to help without knowing why. After all this I have come to the conclusion that, while I am mostly the same, before I was more independent than I am now. Now, I have my best friend. I had him before, but that was simple friendship. He was like me, he was cool, nice, someone I could talk to. Now I think I kind of need him. Although I did my best to protect him from what I knew everyone involved was going through. I know I couldn't stop everything, but even what I did ended up scarring a little. Anyway, if you're reading this my friend, I'm sorry I didn't tell you what was going on. I was doing something I have been unfortunately trained to do, put others before myself, and while I know I would do it again. I also know you were probably trying to help me just as much, now that I look back. If everyone is the hero of their own story, than you are definitely my Navi. Hopefully I'm yours. Try not to go anywhere, I'm more dependent on you than anyone else buddy.